Contrary Commentary
by Reiven
Summary: COMPLETE. Kai/Tala. Kai and Tala go on their first non defined, non conventional date...and the others decide to tag along to provide a running commentary.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Beyblade.

**Summary**: Kai and Tala go on their first non-defined, non-conventional date … and the others decide to tag along to provide a running commentary.

**A/N**: Let's just say that this story takes place post-G-Revolution, though doesn't make actual reference to any particular episode.

**Contrary Commentary**

* * *

"Good evening, sports fans. I am the awesome Maximilion Tate, but you can call me DJ Flazz, your designated announcer for the day. Here for the pleasure of proving you with a step by step commentary of the day's play; perfectly dubbed, Kai and Tala's Big Day Out, I am joined by my co-announcer's in arms, Rei 'the Cat-Man' Kon, Tyson 'T-Bone' Granger and Chief."

"Thank you DJ Flazz, for that fabulous intro. Yes, I am the Rei the Cat-Man and we're here with the absolute pleasure to bring you the latest on the hot topic of the town. The new _It _pair, so to say. To bring you up on this and more, I pass you over to my main man, T-Bone. Take it away, dude."

"It's about high time for that, Cat-Man. I doubt most of the fans could have waited a second longer for my presence in this program. So, why don't we get the meatball rolling with a recap of the pre-date jitters suffered by both the players? I have to say, Cat-Man, DJ Flazz, seeing Kai in such a fuss over which scarf to use did brighten up my day by ten folds."

"I would have to agree with you on that, T-Bone. The day had not gone to a good start for both Kai and Tala, as both seemed to be more concerned with hiding from the rest of us than worrying about just how much that blue hair and those sequined fluorescent green pants clash. I'd say that Gestapo would have been offended by it. Not to mention that sleeveless tank top? Kai, really. That is so last season."

"Haha, that has to be the latest joke of the Beyblading community, Cat-Man; Kai trades in sleeveless tank top with a much similar but more feminine sleeveless tank top. No wonder that Wyatt kid was all over him, must have thought he was some girl. Sprinkle some sugar on that hot cake and we can call him a tart. What do you think, Chief?"

"Err ... I-I ... w-whatever you said, DJ Flazz ..."

"Okay, boys and girls, latest update on the status of said soon to be happily dating couple; Kai has gotten out of the bathroom. I repeat, Kai has gotten out of the bathroom, and would you look at that boys- not bad if I do say so myself. It is true what they say. When in doubt, wear black."

"Sure, if you're planning a night out with the un-dead, Cat-Man. I personally see yellow and green as more the happy, dating colours that should be worn. But that's just me. It's the blonde that is me craves for more fun."

"Getting back to Kai and Tala; while we're waiting for Kai to select which cologne to use, we'll just send you over to the other side to see how the play unravelling there. Over to you, Bryan."

_(Demolition Boys)_

"It's about damn time, Rei!"

"Remember the anger classes, Bryan; take a deep breath, and count down from ten."

"Go to hell, Spence. You're not my goddamn mother."

"You'd better hope not. "

"While DJ P for Pasty and the Big Kahuna duke it out like some thirty year married couple, I, Ian the El Magnifico, master of commentary, king of wit and sarcasm, will be entertaining you for the next few minutes while we get down and dirty with ol' Captain Ivanov. Since we last left off, dear old Red was still stuck on second base, wondering which of the different shades of red would go better with each other. I have to say, the guy needs more of a variety in his life, like purple, or green."

"Yo, El Magnifico, you do realize that purple and green like puke, don't you?"

"Shut the hell up, you tub of lard, and stay on your damn side! As if red and blue are _so_ much better! Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh, yeah- Tala- wait! What's this? Yes, it is. This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Tala had decided to go with his usual orange and white striped jumpsuit. Oh, his hand reaches far left into the tub of gel, seems that he'd gotten past the defences. The hand moves up, and up, and- He scores! That's one nil in favour of the Devils!"

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you little shrimp! This is my show!"

"Excuse me? The last time I checked, it wasn't called the Bryan and Spencer Show. It's called Kai and Tala's Big Day Out. Therefore, the person most qualified to give in-depth commentary is a person with the most sane of minds. Guess that immediately disqualifies you, DJ Pasty."

"Why you little-"

"Ten … nine … eight …repeat it with me, Bryan."

"Would you cut it out already, Starling Moondust! This isn't some damn _-censored- _Yoga video with some _-censored, censored, censored-_"

_((As the cause of a breech of censorship contracts, the Demolition Boy's commentary hereby put on suspension until further notice. Back to you, DJ Flazz.))_

"Wow, that sure was some show, wasn't it, guys. The Demo-boys, especially Bryan, have more a mouth on them than all of the population of the Navy put together."

"I have the sudden urge to sing 'In the Navy', Cat-Man. And can you imagine what kind of traumatising effect the thought of those guys dressed as the Village People would bring?"

"Yes I can, T-Bone, but I can't say that I want to. I mean, having both Kai and Tala as a red Indian and the policeman could be some much needed eye-candy, but it's still not enough to mask the horror at seeing Bryan and Spencer doing the same thing. Not to mention Ian; I don't even know what he's going to wear? He'd better not be naked, otherwise just imagine the pandemonium that it would cause."

"Guys-"

"It might be that time of day when we hang up our hats, kick back and sing a few lines to YMCA for the little kiddies out there."

"Guys-"

"I don't mean to interrupt this, but aren't we supposed to be keeping an eye on Kai to make sure he doesn't ditch us?"

"Good point, man … where is Kai anyway?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you; Kai already left."

"No kidding! It's only been an hour since he came out of the bathroom. This might be some record for him, and where be is for us as his dearest friends, to not be there in his moment of glory."

"Couldn't agree more with you; I mean, after that little fiasco with the Demo-boys, who else is going to be kind enough to voluntarily sacrifice our time in the name of goodness?"

"Err … touching speeches, T-Bone, Cat-Man … there's just one problem … someone seemed to have pressed the lock button to the door of the closet …"

"No kidding?"

"Nope."

"… _Crap_."

_((Due to an unforeseen circumstance including a lock and a closet, the Demolition Boys' suspension is hereby revoked. We now return you to the normal programming.))_

"Hah! Serves you losers right!"

"Save the trash talk, DJ Pasty, and just concentrate on the action. Ahem- yes, it is that time again, listeners, the Demolition Boys -whom are the most deserving anyway- rule the airwaves once more. I am El Magnifico, along with my two … these two people beside me, DJ P for Pasty and the Big Kahuna, here to supply you with unlimited entertainment and laughter at the expense of or beloved team members ... Kai and Tala on the show everyone's been waiting anxiously for, Kai and Tala's Big Day Out!"

"Who the hell are you calling Pasty, Nose-boy!"

"When we last left off, or rather, were pulled off because of Mr. Big mouth here-"

"Who're you calling big mouth, big nose!"

"-Tala had made a hasty exit from the room after noticing that it was quarter to twelve already, looking pretty snazzy in his date-outfit too. Our sources tell us that they've gotten two tickets to the premier of Brokeback Mountain, those lucky bastards."

"How come I didn't know that we have sources?"

"Pardon this associate of mine, he's not familiar with proper commentary etiquettes, what with having brought up to be a psychopathic hooligan. Not all problems can be solved with violence, you know."

"Thank you for that enlightening piece of information, Dr. Phil. I personally find that statement to be entirely untrue. If you kill the source, them there is not problem that needs to be solved."

"Okay, point taken. Now lets just forget all the petty little details and concentrate on the bigger picture. How will the date turn out? Will Kai and Tala end it with a kiss? Will they end up in bed together? With the entire thing just crumble and explode into a burning mess of failure? That is the questions that need to be answered."

"I personally don't give a damn about what happens on their date. I just want to dig up some dirty little secrets that can be used against Kai in the future."

"And you think I'm doing this for kicks? Down with Kai's pride, I say. By the way, where'd Big Kahuna run off to?"

"Good question … hey, isn't that him waiting in line to the cinema?"

"Yeah, that's him! How's he manage to score tickets? I waited in line for ten hours since five in the morning but still went back empty handed!"

"You know, I was-"

"What in the name of Lord Voltaire do you two think you're doing lurking around in the bushes like this?"

"B-Boris!"

"What the hell do you want!"

"Is that anyway to talk to someone who took you in off the streets, took care of you and taught you how to strive for power, you _insolent brat_?"

"Hn. If you call that being taken care off … _purple headed freak_."

"In case you haven't noticed, Kuznetsov, I'm standing right here."

"If I may ask, what are you doing here, sir?"

"I received a phone call from a producer of some show called Kai and Tala's Big Day Out. They asked if I'd care to supervise since they've been getting shit from the listeners about unruly, uneducated vagabond commentators; somehow, I just knew it was you two."

"Uneducated? Those-why I ought to show them-"

"Sit your ass down, Kuznetsov and silence!"

"You're not seriously considering … sir?"

"Today, you may call me B-Biddy, El Magnifico, for I have no intention of hounding you to become more powerful or have any intention of ruling the earth in anyway. I just plainly wish to show up that filthy Dickinson and his two-bit rat pack about who really rules the air-waves … and to dig up dirt on Kai to finally get my revenge, of course."

"Well, welcome to the group then, DJ B-Biddy. I have to say that it's a much-needed relief. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted with just Pasty here for company."

"Why you little-"

"Silence, Pasty! Now to pick up where we had left off again. It seems that the movie has begun, considering the amount of people waiting in line to get in are non-existent. And considering that neither one of us possess any type of entry passes, we will have to wait here until it ends."

"I've been hearing rave reviews for this movie, B-Biddy, and personally, I've been wanting to watch it for the longest time. Critics have given it a-pardon, what was that? … No shit! I've just gotten word from our sources that Kai and Tala are making out. I repeat that folks, Kai and Tala are making out! Wouldn't you know it, B-Biddy, it takes a movie about two gay cowboys to really get the sexual tension running high."

"I agree. Why I even recall a time when an old acquaintance and I were in the shoes of Hiwatari and Ivanov. Those were good times."

"Really? What gay cowboy film did you watch in that day."

"Tombstone. Between Doc Holiday and Wyatt Erp."

"Why the hell haven't I been informed about any sources!"

"Huh? …No-way! … why? I thought we were doing an outstanding job! … Oh … oh, fine! Fine! The producers want us to pass the waves back to the Bladebreaker idiots. Something about complaints against the ick-ness of Boris slash."

"I have half a mind to be offended by that."

"Hah! The listeners do have a brain after all. I have to admit, it grossed me out too. I'd even go as far as to say that I, with as much pleasure I would have if I was about to go and get my ball cut off, pass you over to the Bladedorkers. Take it away, you morons."

_(Bladebreakers)_

"Who're you calling moron, moron!"

"Whoa, heel, T-Bone, heel. We are on the air, in case you hadn't noticed. Wouldn't want what happened to the Demo-dudes to happen to us, do we?"

"Guess not … Bryan's still an asshole."

"We know, T-Bone, we know. Now DJ Flazz, who don't you update the listeners on what has been happening since they were so cruelly been forced to endure the traumatizing conversation of the Demolition boys."

"Glad to, Cat-Man. Now, after being locked in the closet for the last half hour, we join Kai and Tala at the entrance to the Cineplex while they wait in line for first showing of Brokeback Mountain. It still comes as a big shock that they weren't given VIP treatment since they are Kai and Tala."

"Pfft. Yeah, just shows you who people really think as the new champion. Me!"

"Oh really? Gee, then I wonder why the guard hadn't wanted to let you in earlier."

"Good point, Cat-man, good, good point."

"Shut up!"

"Can we get back to topic, please?"

"Sorry, Flazz. Please continue."

"Ahem- okay, where was I? Oh yeah. Kai and Tala, both seated in row A, seat one and two, also known as the love seat. I'd say that this is as perfect an occasion as one can be, don't you agree, Cat-Man?"

"Do I ever. Kai and Tala do make a cute couple. What do you think they're thoughts would be about a fanboy?"

"Or fanboys, Rei-I mean, Cat-Man."

"Tch! As if people want to imagine what the both of them do in bed together. I'm pretty sure that all the hype over them will soon pass and everyone will realize than I'm more interesting than both of them put together."

"Sure, T-Bone. Whatever you say. Though I suspect that the talk about that kiss earlier will be going on for a long time to come. That was hot with a capital H!"

"And don't you think it's the most appropriate thing to do during the scene when Jack and Ennis just had sex? It's fate, if you ask me."

"You guys' fangirling over Kai and Tala is getting old. I've even been driven to thinking about joining Bryan. Your ogling and drooling is making me sick to my stomach. I suddenly wish Daichi was here … where is the twerp anywa-"

"Newsflash, folks! Kai has taken the first move! He yawns, stretches and begins reaching for first base. Just a little more … a little more and SCORE! That's it boys and girls, Kai's pulled out the good old, fake stretching move on Tala and the latter has absolutely no choice but succumb to it! Point one to Kai. Three cheers!"

"What's this I see? Is it- yes it is! Tala leans into the embrace and snuggles! Did you see that, Flazz? Tala's just pulled out an astounding forty-five degree lean and manages to rest his head on Kai's shoulder! That has got to win some scores from the judges, and for sure, it does. America gives it a nine point five. Russia: nine point eight. Japan: ten! United Kingdom: ten! Ethiopia: ten! Trinidad and Tobago: ten!"

"Some game this is turning out to be, isn't it, Cat-Man. Not that I ever had a doubt in my mind."

"And to think I almost passed this up to catch General Hospital."

"Seems that the movie's coming to an end, and we hadn't even managed to catch half of it."

"We're not here to watch some stupid film, Max."

"DJ Flazz, T-Bone, and what's up with the sour face anyway. If you're just going to sit here all day and sulk, then you might as well go and join Bryan. Right, Cat-man?"

"Right-o, Flazz-o."

"Humph, fine!"

"Ignore him. He's never had the heart of a true fanboy anyway. Besides, we've got to catch up with Kai and Tala before they ditch us again. This time, we have no idea where they're headed. While Cat-man and I attempt to trail them, we'll just leave you with a quick song to keep you company. Somebody told Me by the Killers. Enjoy."

_Somebody told me,  
__that you had a boyfriend,  
__who looked like a girlfriend _…

_

* * *

_

_To be continued …_

Yes, I just watched Brokeback Mountain. Personal opinion: good film but a such an obvious Oscar contender. Of course, Heath and Jake love scenes rule them all!


	2. Chapter 2

_Standard disclaimer applies._

**Contrary Commentary.  
Final ****Part.**

* * *

"Good evening, boys and girls and welcome once again to the highly anticipated continuation to Kai and Tala's Big Day Out. I am your commentator for the day, DJ Flazz, still accompanied by my good buddy, Rei 'the Cat-Man' Kon."

"Rawr! And excellent intro once again, Flazz. We both have good chemistry together, don't you think?"

"Totally. We should even get out own show. It can be called, Max and Rei's Excellent Adventure."

"I think that titles' been copyrighted already, though."

"Too bad."

"Yeah… but getting back to topic; Kai and Tala. Where are they? What are they doing? _Who _are they doing and where are they _doing _it? That is the questions that need to answered. Fortunately, that's the reason DJ Flazz and I are here today. To bring you up on the latest new, latest gossip and latest goings-on between those two lover birds. Care to do the dirty, Flazz-man?"

"With pleasure, dude. Since we last left off, nothing particularly interesting has been happening. They both have just been walking around for the past half hour, looking at everything except each other. That's the thing about love, Cat-Man, it's so obvious to people around _except _to the two in question."

"Sometimes that's a good thing, Flazz. You can't deny that ignorance, relationship wise, is indeed a very good and popular source of entertainment. Now if we lived in a world were everyone was in love with each other and not afraid to yell it from the rooftops, wouldn't that be just boring? Not to mention, there's be no more good soaps left to watch."

"I see your point, I'm sure the listeners do too, therefore, shall we get back to our subjects? It seems that the two had finally opted to have a seat overlooking the frozen lake. Now there's another thing I don't get, Cat-Man; why stay out here, in the cold and dampness, when they can play much more fun games indoors, with the ever welcoming presence of warmth?"

"Yeah, it's probably as baffling a scenario as two people following said 'playmates' into the cold, damp world when they can be comfortably tucked into bed, sipping a hot bowl of chicken soup."

"Mum… soup…"

"Hold the presses! Flazz-man! Is the event taking place before my eyes really taking place, or is my mind just playing tricks on me?"

"Not unless its playing tricks on me as well, Cat-Man, because I see the exact same thing! This-this is spectacular! A complete breakthrough, people! If only you all are here to bear witness today! Kai has just taken a bag out chocolate covered nuts out of his pocket, opened it with all the grace he possessed, he is indeed graceful, isn't he, Cat-Man?"

"Yes, yes, now get on with it DJ Flazz, I'm sure the listeners are just dying with suspense!"

"Oh, right. And Kai, with all the grace he possessed, reached to fingers into the opened packet, takes out a -is that a heart shaped chocolate, Cat-Man? I think it is."

"Let us just zoom in on the packet. A little more. A little and- yes! You're absolutely correct, Flazz, Kai does indeed have a heart shaped chocolate between his fingers! -I have to be honest, this is the first time I've seen Kai hold something you put in your mouth and swallow that's not a cup of coffee, the coffee, I mean, not the cup- he reached up, to the right and lets Tala have the choc right out of his own fingers! Now isn't that something, Flazz. Kai just fed Tala, in the most intimate and romantic way possible, a chocolate covered nut!"

"Can't say that dirty thoughts don't arise at that comment, dude."

"This is history in the making, boys and girls! An event of history proportions! I feel blessed just being able to witness this taking place!"

"You and me both, man!"

"Seems that they've both finished the nuts now, DJ, and are now in the process of leaving. Where do you think they're going now? Dinner? Another movie? Bedroom?"

"Wherever it is, Cat-man, if they have a vending machine, I'm all for it. All this trailing is leaving me hungry, not to mention suffering from a severe sugar-withdrawal. Actually, I'm feeling a little faint, Rei... catch me."

"Whoopa! Geez, Max, you need to lay off those Lays, dude. You weight a tonne. Oh, and while I haul my partner her over to a trolley, if I can find one around, I'll just pass you listeners back to the Demo. Dudes, don't worry, this time they're on a tighter leash. Over to you, guys."

- - - - -

"Tch. Seems as you fools still haven't learnt your lessons the first time. But whatever, I no longer want any part in this, so the both of you, have your fun and bask in your own humiliation, I'm outta here."

"Howzabout it, B. Diddy? Ready for round two? DJ Pasty can take him and his pasty skin elsewhere, we're the only ones that matter anyw-ACK! ACK! OWW, THAT HURT! OWW! THE PAIN! PAIN! PAI…AIN…_pa_…_in_…"

"Hmm… seems that El Magnifico had just passed on-"

_The Demolition Boys' broadcasting license is here by revoked by the board of everything-that-is-good-and-right-on-the-air._

"I was going to say _'passed on into unconsciousness_', goddamnit! I'm done with this narrow-minded, fascist broadcasting company! I'd rather sell the Abbey and finance my own company than listen to more of your rules and regulations. Good day to _you_!"

- - - - -

"Well, I guess that's the end of the Demolition Boys' on-air career. Unfortunately, my dear partner DJ Flazz has yet to arouse from his own unconscious state, I think I'd better get on with Kai and Tala before our air time runs out, that, and General Hospital is on tonight. It's a must see episode!"

"Uuh… what… where am I?… Who am I?"

"Flazz-man, how're you feeling, dude?"

"Is that you, mommy?"

"All…right… that's enough commenting for you tonight. Bryan, needing a little help here."

"Call the pig, will ya'? I told you, I'm done with the radio business."

"What if I gave you a really cool alias? Something like, Falcon Hawk-man or the Falborgminator?"

"…Well… if you put it that way. I've actually always been fond of something cool like…Falcron, or something."

"Then DJ Falcron… sounds a bit like felcro, doesn't it?"

"Pushing your luck, Cat-man…"

"Okay. So anyway, Kai and Tala have… what's with that dirty look? Do you want to update the listeners on the new turn of events?"

"If you insist, Cat-man. Yeah, so ol' Red and Kai the inferior have just waltzed their asses into this big fancy-schmancy hotel. That's just so like them. High taste, high class, high fidelity asses-"

"We're not supposed to swear on live radio, Falcron…"

"Yes, so those two pretty boys seems to have been given a key to one of the rooms, where they're going to snag and shag each other senseless, I presume? Tala maybe a pretty faced white boy, but he sure as hell knows how to bring it on in bed."

"The director is listening in on this, if you haven't noticed-"

"I'm sure none of the viewers want to know they really do when they're alone in the room together, do they?"

"Well, three-quarter of the listeners at the moment ARE fangirls…"

"So that's a yes?"

"Hell, yes. The phones have been ringing off the hook ever since the chocolate covered nut segment. Just think what the response would be if we actually got the scoop on Kai and Tala in the bedroom! THAT would be an event of historic proportions!"

"So how will we be doing this? Breaking and entering? Spies? Peeking in through the keyhole? I roomed next to them while in the Abbey, you know, and if my assumptions are correct, then the listeners don't even need to hear out commentary on the events going on. They can hear it for themselves. Tala has this sort of squeal of pleasure he lets out whenever he's-"

"I just had the strangest thought, Falcron; you don't suppose that the hotel comes equip with a radio, do you?"

"Why?"

"No reason, except that wouldn't it be funny of those two love-sick puppies were actually listening on our conversation RIGHT now? Hearing us talking about their sex life like it was a piece of meat on the market? Well… that's how the market is in Asia, anyway."

"I assure you that I don't see at what point in this do I start to care."

"I suppose… but- Oh? Okay then. The producer's just put a line though to us. I'll bet you Driger that I know who's on the other line."

"As if I don't? Bring them on."

_Beep._

"Cat-Man and DJ Falcron here, you're on the air."

"…Rei… you'd better look over your shoulder whenever you're out in the dark alley alone, because I _will _kill you and make it look like an accident. Same goes for you, Kuznetsov."

"Tala here, I agree completely with what Kai said. Bryan, you know that little secret you keep hidden under your bed? The one I have photo proof of? Well, the secret's not going to be a secret any longer once it's posted on every bulletin board in Russia."

"…High time he went off the air, Falcron? I think so, don't you?"

"For once, I agree completely. I have to get back to the Abbey anyway to do… err… packing. Goodnight!"

"Okay… since Bryan's let me all alone in this hallway… facing Kai and Tala's hotel room… oh, crud, did I just say that out loud? Crud, crud. I'd better be taking my leave now, goodnight to all our faithful listeners out there. We probably won't ever be crossing ears again, I'll be retiring from DJ business forever. Maybe get myself a nice house somewhere in… the Amazon jungle and away from civilization… okay, I said that aloud again, didn't it? Crud. I'll be on my way now. Goodbye!"

_Due to the loss of out resident DJ_'_s, the production would just like to thank everyone who_'_s been tuning in to this station since-_

"Whoa, whoa! You all think you can end this without ever introducing me, the amazingly talented, good looking and macho Daichi? Well, I've got new for you, you can't! I don't care about what Kai and Tala can do to me, they're both a couple of overrated characters anyway, and Bryan; I was the spy! Me! Ya hear that! I was in on something you weren't, nyanyanya!"

_Beep._

"…Daichi…you do realize how much pain and agony eternal damnation to the depths of Dranzer's flame can be, don't you? I suppose you don't… care to be the first casualty?"

"…"

"Wolborg's pretty keen on some action too. Why, he hasn't tasted raw, twerp meat since the last twerp that crossed his path."

"…Well, that's it for me. Bye!"

"To the production; end this broadcast immediately… I know where you all live."

"And for the rest, I'm sure Wolborg will have a fantastic time sniffing out and hunting you all down like the vermin that you are."

"People who have enough spare time on their hands -which can actually be used for something useful, like upgrading yourselves from scum, grime and filth that sticks to the bottom ones shoe- to listen to this idiotic programming…"

"Turn your radio's off now, wipe whatever you've heard tonight from your memory bank and go to bed; the combined strength of Wolborg and Dranzer have the capacity of obliterating all power sources in a three thousand mile radius, lasting for the next two hundred years."

"That means no power, no computer and no fanfiction for two hundred years… are you prepared, Tala?"

"I was born prepared, Kai. On three?"

"Hn…three…"

"Two…"

_Click._

**

* * *

**

- Owari.

FYI: Owari means 'The End'. Meaning, no more. Cheers. Ps: I haven't seen G-Revolution, a fact which I regret so much, therefore I know nothing of Daichi. I also wish so much to see the original version, because of Nelvana's mind-warping knack for cutting out the best parts and because the Japanese version rules that way.


End file.
